Death : Cresive Motherhood.

 Pavitra pulled her ear lobes and set the ears free. She joined her hands, still looking at the sky from the window. Her baby was in her her lap, yet her heart sank. Her womb felt dry, once again, just like past years. She got lost in trance....to that day, few years ago.

Pavitra was feeling nauseous. She had been vomiting since morning. "Kuch kha le", Pratap handed over a bite of paratha dipped in dahi. "Mann nahi hai", Pavitra pushed aside his hand.


MIL was watching their conversation and she stepped in. "Pavitra come here", she called her close. "Have you missed your periods this month?", she asked in a low tone. Pavitra nodded with a yes. 

MIL hugged her and blew her a flying kiss. "Pratap you are going to be a father soon", she announced clapping her hands in joy. Pratap's father, on hearing this, rushed in too, "Kuldeepak ayega!", he shouted gladly. Pavitra covered her head with her pallu and held the corner in her mouth, shyingly. Pratap jumped a few times and held Pavitra's hands and swirled her.


"Ahem..Ahem", FIL interrupted their celebration. Pavitra quickly went inside the kitchen and her MIL followed her. 

MIL circled her hands around Pavitra's face and bending her fingers, taking them close to her own ears, made a breaking sound. "Buri nazar kali ho", she murmured.  "Lets go to the hospital tomorrow to get you tested", she said. 

The next day they went to the gynecologist in the civil hospital. Pavitra's pregnancy was confirmed. Everybody in the family was happy. 

MIL took utmost care in regards to Pavitra's food and routine. It was her third month now. MIL was tensed as they had to go for the sonography. Pavitra felt MIL's restlessness. "Kya hua maaji?'', she inquired. MIL shook her head and proceeded to the hospital. FIL and Pratap followed them too.


As soon as the sonography was over, FIL and Pratap barged into the doctor's room. "Is it a boy or girl?", they confronted the doctor. The doctor was new to this place. She got scared with this sudden confrontation. "We don't disclose the sex of the baby", she spoke bleakly. But couldn't hold onto her stance for long. She was threatened in terms of her job, so she had to reveal that it was a girl.

FIL was shocked to hear this. He got furious. "Kya khilaya ise?", he asked the MIL. MIL couldn't meet his eyes. "Pratap, we need to abort asap", he yelled.


Pratap glanced at Pavitra. She was profusely crying. She never had seen this side of her inlaws. She looked at her MIL, but MIL lowered her gaze, feeling helpless. Pavitra looked at Pratap, but he evaded her glance and asked the doctor to proceed with the abortion. 

Pavitra joined her hands, pleaded, begged Pratap to let her deliver the baby. But he didn't budge. "We don't give birth to daughters in our family", he said, in a stern voice. FIL proudly looked at Pratap. And they both left the room. 



Pavitra was taken to the OT and the baby was aborted. Pavitra's face was swollen. Her eyes were dried up after crying for hours, and so was her womb. She kept rubbing her stomach. MIL held her hand firmly.

Next year again Pavitra was pregnant. This time too, they aborted the girl child, after the sonography. This happened three times in a row. Pavitra was exhausted. Her womb felt numb. The deaths of 'part and flesh' of her own self, left her abjected. "Was there anything left", she wondered. She couldn't cry anymore, she felt emotionless.


Her MIL shared her own story. How she couldn't deliver a boy so FIL had brought in, another woman. And how Pratap wasn't her son. But because MIL had begged and beseeched to stay, the other woman was given money and sent back to her village.


Pavitra was shocked to hear this. "What if Pratap did the same?", she thought. 

By God's grace this time it was a boy.


But, should she celebrate the newborn life or should she mourn the deaths? Pavitra couldn't conclude.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live ~ Norman Cousins.


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